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My Wife Has No Desire For Sex. What Can I Do? 5 Sex Building Tips

Author: MA RSW RMFT

My Wife Has No Sex Drive. How Do I Get Her Sex Drive Back?

My Wife Has No Desire For Sex. What Can I Do?

Sex? You hint, plead, and complain… but nothing helps… still NO sex!

You are not alone. Many men suffer in a sexless marriage or committed relationship and wonder why “my wife has no desire for sex,” and they want to know what they can do to fix this emotionally painful situation.

Thousands upon thousands of healthy men are sex-starved. Approximately one-third of women aged 30 to 59 report experiencing periods of diminished sexual desire at various times throughout their lives. And when a woman’s sexual drive is low, husbands and boyfriends are left frustrated and deprived.

If your wife has no desire for sex, this is a red flag you need to pay attention to and find a remedy that is pleasing for you and your wife.

A sexless marriage leaves you feeling you are an incomplete man

Being sexually intimate is a central part of a marriage or committed relationship. It is not the icing on the cake — it is the essence of the relationship itself.

Sexual intimacy is the deepest way two mature adults can express their love for one another.

On the other hand, a sexless marriage is an unhealthy relationship and is in danger of failing. 

As a man, how am I hurt when my wife has no desire for sex?

When your wife has a diminished desire for sex, it can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. For a man, a sexless marriage or committed relationship often leads to feelings of rejection and questioning one’s self-worth, including anger, frustration, and despair and experiencing profound loneliness. The impact extends beyond emotional distress; it can also erode the foundation of trust and communication, potentially leading to conflict or estrangement.

Over time, the lack of sex can strain the marital bond to the point you and your wife or girlfriend may feel disconnected, living more like roommates than romantic partners. This shift can have far-reaching implications, affecting everything from personal identity to social interactions.

Finding yourself in a situation where your wife has no desire for sex, together with your wife or girlfriend, you should seek a path forward, whether through developing increasing emotional closeness, engaging in relationship counseling, speaking to a medical doctor to see if there is a physical problem, consulting a sex therapist, or other means.

5 tips to keep your sex life healthy and turn around a sexless marriage

Great sex is dependent on your brain more than your genitalia!

You heard that right! Great sex depends on “thinking,” not “performing.” Especially for a woman, sexual functioning is dependent on how she feels about her partner. As a man, you must know that your physique and body parts are not nearly as important as showing your wife your love, respect, care, and commitment.

How you and your partner ‘think’ about each other determines how you ‘feel’ about each other, and this will then influence the ‘quantity and quality’ of your sexual adventures.

Share the following with your wife. Both of you can benefit from these five tips to increase your emotional connection and enthusiasm for romance, passion, and sex.

Here is what you need to do to increase your wife’s passion, romance, and sexual enjoyment

  1. Great sex requires that you establish emotional intimacy. This comes from getting to know one another through spending time together, talking, and sharing experiences. Being close to one another requires that you are familiar with your partner more than you are with anyone else in the world. This is called intimacy. Whether it is physical intimacy, knowing one another’s bodies; emotional intimacy, knowing how one another feels about everything; or intellectual intimacy, knowing how your partner thinks and believes, every form of intimacy is essential, and the deeper it is, the deeper will be your love and positive feeling for one another.
  2. Anger kills sex. Positive regard for each other can only occur when your relationship is peaceful and harmonious. If anger is expressed, positive feelings for each other are impossible, and your libido — your sexual energy and desire — and that of your partner will drop like a paperweight in water. If anger is in your relationship, step #1 is to learn how to reduce or eliminate it. You may need to get some specialized training in anger management.
  3. When it comes to sex — ‘peacefulness’ is more important than ‘perfection.’ For example, if you have an opportunity to say something positive to your partner or to correct them because you find something imperfect in what they have said or done, choose peace, choose the “positive comment.” Peace and positive regard are essential foundations upon which sexual passions rest.
  4. Sex without passion is lifeless. Casual sex, forced sex, pity sex — none of this produces the quality of love that two committed and caring adults generate when they are physically intimate with one another. Money, gifts, a beautiful home — none of this can replace or compensate for the lack of mutually satisfying sex! Great sex requires love, positive regard, commitment, feeling safe, and adventure.
  5. Sex cannot be everything. Sex is important for both men and women in a marriage or committed relationship. However, there has to be more to the relationship if the sex is to maintain his vibrancy. As a couple, you need to spend time together, whether it is going on small shopping trips or on holidays around the world and everything in between. There is no substitute for spending quality time together, talking, laughing, and even occasionally crying together.

Sex is a powerful love tonic. Nothing can compete with the love generated by a sexual union between two committed partners. Being physically and emotionally passionate leads to mutually positive sexual experiences and infuses your marriage with a very pure and powerful love. Nothing can replace the power of a sexual union to build and maintain a healthy marriage or committed relationship.

Understanding the above and integrating it into your life opens the door to a healthy, respectful, and long-lasting relationship.

A true story of sexual rejuvenation

Sue and Tom were clients of mine. They had been married for 11 years. As the years passed, their sexual relationship gradually became nonexistent, and they knew as a couple they were in trouble. Sue and Tom were in their 30s, and the prospect of living the rest of their lives together in a sexless relationship terrified both of them. Even when they were both home together, they rarely spoke. They didn’t know what to do about their sex-starved marriage and their feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I gave Sue and Tom three simple suggestions:

  1. Each day, mention two or three things you like about each other.
  2. Make a date night once a week and go out and have fun.
  3. If your partner is doing something that you don’t like, convert it into a positive request. Don’t say what you ‘don’t want’. Rather, say what you ‘do want.’

When I saw Sue and Tom several weeks later, they were like a new couple. They were relaxed and upbeat, and they radiated positive regard for one another. A few months later, they shared the good news. Sue was pregnant. This was proof positive that their sexless marriage was no more!

This story emphasizes the point above. Great sex depends primarily on “thinking,” not “performing.” As their professional therapist, my contribution to their marriage was helping them ‘think’ differently about one another. And when they did that — when they thought positively about one another — their sex life blossomed.

Real Q & A about a sexless relationship and its dangers:

I have no desire for my husband. What should I do? Take a piece of paper and write down the reasons that you believe you have no desire to have sex with your husband. After each one of these reasons, try to find a solution that would reduce or eliminate the reasons you have no desire for your husband. For example, if one of the items on your list is that he doesn’t satisfy you, figure out how to communicate to him what your needs are. Or perhaps you need him to take a shower before lovemaking to increase your comfort. Once you know the reasons for not wanting to be with your husband, you can begin to seek solutions. You may have to do some research, talk to a trusted friend or professional, or speak to your husband about it. One way or another, if you are to have a healthy relationship, you and your partner both need to desire sexual closeness.

What are the side effects in males when they don’t have sex for a long time? The answer is very simple. When a man is unsuccessful in his efforts to have sexual intimacy with his partner, he feels unloved. For a man, the pleasure of sexual touch can operate independently of emotional feelings. This is why a man does not naturally understand how important feelings are to a woman regarding romance and sex. As a woman, you likely do not understand how important physical contact is for a man. Your man seeks to be physically close to you even when the two of you are not getting along. Lovemaking for a man confirms that he is loved and wanted. Without lovemaking, your husband or boyfriend will devalue his relationship with you — he may even get to a point where he no longer wants to be with you.

I have no sex drive, and my husband is mad? Although you and your husband have many things in common regarding sex, there are also some pronounced differences. For many women, sex is a great pleasure and release that enhances her health and feelings that she belongs with her husband and that he is prepared to take care of her. On the other hand, for many men, sex represents to them proof that their female partner loves them. If a man does not have sex for a long time, he feels unwanted and not needed. And even though it may not be true, you do want him, and you do love him; you just don’t have the desire to have sex with him. He is still going to be mad because, for him, sex is a natural reward, the profit from all of his hard work and commitment. This is just one of the reasons why a sexless marriage puts a relationship at risk. Your man feels that there is less benefit to being with you. He may even feel it is unfair that his sexual passions go unfulfilled. If you are not able to find a way to increase your sex drive, the least you can do is empathize with your husband for feeling incomplete because of your lack of sexual interest in him. Acknowledge how hard it is for him and that you’re sorry it is like this. Certainly, do not judge him for wanting to have sex with you. Sex is healthy and wonderful and good for your relationship. When you take this attitude, this will help him accept his fate.

What happens when a woman is not sexually satisfied? There are two parts to a woman’s sexuality. 1. Being physically close to her husband or partner is emotionally very meaningful and satisfying to her, and 2. A woman has sex drives just like a man and has the capacity to experience orgasms and thereby feel fulfilled and alive. Thus, even though a woman may not experience orgasm and other sexual peak experiences, being close to her man can still be very meaningful to her. On the other hand, when a woman is not sexually satisfied, her emotional and physical needs for sexual release and fulfillment are lacking. She is left feeling frustrated and perhaps even resentful.

No sex in a relationship means what for my wife? In the above question, “What happens when a woman is not sexually satisfied?” I explained that a woman has physical and emotional sexual needs. In this question, “No sex in a relationship means what for my wife?” implies that she is being neglected. In this case, not only are her physical and emotional needs unfulfilled, but she also feels unwanted by her partner. Feeling like this, your wife will be devastated. A woman needs to feel that each day, her husband or boyfriend chooses to be her partner. Courtship is not an event. For a woman, courtship is a necessary ingredient to a healthy relationship and should occur repeatedly throughout the week. Courtship culminates naturally with the desire for sexual intimacy. Without that, your wife or any woman in an intimate relationship with a man is left unsure of her husband or a boyfriend’s love and care for her — which devastates her.

What are the dangers of a sexless marriage? In a sexless marriage, the expressions of love and care are compromised. Often, couples have understandable and natural disputes with one another. Sometimes, it becomes open conflict, and sometimes, being in a sexless marriage embeds itself within the person as disappointment, resentment, or frustration. In a sexless marriage, the opportunity to rebalance with one another with love and care is lacking, and the negatives tend to overwhelm and define the relationship. When people make consensual and passionate love, they never fight with one another. The biology of love-making overwhelms negative emotions and replaces them with positive ones. In addition to all of this, both men and women have a natural emotional and biological need for sexual fulfillment. When this is lacking, for whatever reason, partners outside the relationship may be sought. This opens the relationship to all types of injuries and breakdowns.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage? This question, “When to walk away from a sexless marriage,” is not easy to answer. The importance of sexual fulfillment varies from person to person. Some people cannot live without sexual fulfillment, and other people have a colder nature and don’t require as much physical touch. Also, if the couple has children, the decision to leave one another becomes much more complex, with the outcome having a far greater impact. Rather than try to answer this question, “When to walk away from a sexless marriage,” as if one-size-fits-all, I suggest if you’re in this situation and wondering when to walk away from sexless marriage, you first address it with your partner, and if that doesn’t lead to a solution, seek a caring professional who can help you find a way out of this difficult situation. Regardless of how you answer this question, “When to walk away from a sexless marriage?” know that not having sex for a long time has many side effects in males and females. Having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a loving partner is required for a person, male or female, to get the physical and emotional nutrients they need.

Build intimacy into your daily life with your wife

Regardless of how long you’ve been married, it is essential that you keep your physically intimate life healthy, vibrant, and loving. If sexual problems arise, they must be taken seriously, and solutions must be found.

With every interaction that you have with your wife, you have the opportunity to participate with kindness, care, and love. If you are consistent with this, even with the small and seemingly unimportant things, eventually, your wife will warm up to you and seek to spend quality time with you, which includes having a sexual relationship.

As natural as it is for you as a man to live in a romantic, passionate, and sexually vibrant relationship, it is also natural for your wife to also have a sexual desire for you. She does not choose to have a low sex drive. Rather, she finds herself not attracted to you, not because she wants to feel that way, but because the situation has been imposed on her. Whether it is a medical condition, a relationship problem, a type of sexual dysfunction, or something else, you need to remember this is not her first choice. Her first choice is to be infatuated with you and want to spend time being part of your life, which includes your sexual life. She, too, has strong and powerful sexual needs, and when you solve the problem of a sexist marriage for yourself, you are doing your wife a favor as well. When you both enjoy making love with one another, this is a shared blessing.

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abe kass

Abe has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families for twenty-five-plus years. When it comes to relationship expertise — Abe is the real deal and can be trusted!

abe kassProfessional Therapist Abe Kass MA RSW RMFT

Abe has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families for twenty-five-plus years. When it comes to relationship expertise — Abe is the real deal and can be trusted!