Marriage Counseling Self-help

Surviving Infidelity Guidelines

abe kass

Abe has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families for twenty-five-plus years. When it comes to relationship expertise — Abe is the real deal and can be trusted!

abe kassProfessional Therapist Abe Kass MA RSW RMFT

Abe has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families for twenty-five-plus years. When it comes to relationship expertise — Abe is the real deal and can be trusted!

Surviving Infidelity Guidelines for Couples Who Have Been Afflicted by Relationship Betrayal

love triangle infidelity affair guidelines on how to know when to walk away

People and relationships can and do heal from affairs. While each infidelity situation is unique, there are some general principles you will find helpful in healing and moving on from such a painful and difficult crisis.

The following guidelines only make sense when ALL contact between the cheating spouse and his or her illicit friend has completely ended. If the affair occurred at work, it will not be simple to solve. It is probably best for the cheating spouse to change jobs or find some other creative solution so that going forward, the betrayer and the illicit friend have nothing to do with each other.

For the person who has had the affair:

Being caught as a cheating spouse does not have to mean an end to your marriage and family if you handle all the damage you caused in a proper way as outlined below.

Be accountable. When talking about what happened, don’t give excuses claiming that you had no choice in the matter saying things like, “She came on to me,” “You were unfaithful years ago, so I was justified,” or “We had a sexless marriage.” There are ways to fix these marriage problems – being a cheating spouse is not one of them!

Acknowledge what you did. You lied, and your credibility is in doubt with your partner. Now is the time to step-up and tell the truth. If for whatever reason you can’t tell the truth, at least say, “I don’t want to talk about this detail” – this may be very upsetting to your partner, but at least you are not lying. It is best to answer all questions as completely as possible.

Take all reasonable measures to rebuild trust (e.g., be where you say you’re going to be and be there when you say you will). Be extra careful not to hide anything about what you are doing, however trivial it may seem to you or however much you are afraid it might hurt your partner. You don’t have to share every passing feeling, but don’t lie about your activities.

Apologize and offer to make amends, if possible. Acknowledge that what you did hurt your partner and offer your apologies. Ask your partner what you could do to make amends, if anything.

Cooperate with your partner checking-up on you. Since you lied in order to hide the affair, now your partner needs to ‘discover’ that you are now telling the truth. This is an essential part in rebuilding trust.

If requested by your partner, let him or her have the passwords to your email, phone, Facebook, and other accounts and don’t resist or be resentful – you created this situation and you need to do your utmost to ‘fix’ it.

Offer to let your partner discuss with you how he or she feels and the details about what happened. As long as the conversation stays ‘respectful,’ be truthful and hang-in there.

You may hate this process, but you messed up by being a cheating spouse and now you need to be humble, not angry, and help fix what you broke. Be patient, kind, flexible and give your partner as much time as he or she needs to work on this with you.

It is likely you will need professional help from a caring relationship specialist to fix what you broke. Don’t resist this necessity – especially if your partner requests to, “go for marriage counseling.”

Make sure you eat and sleep. You will need all the energy you have to deal with the situation.

For the person who has been betrayed:

Start by making it clear to your partner that you can only work on rebuilding your marriage and trust if the infidelity (including any contact with the illicit friend) has completely ended and that you believe it will never happen again in the future.

When discussing what happened, know the difference between expressing your pain, hurt, and anger from trying to get information about what happened. If you mix the two, all will become muddled and likely you won’t be able to get through the conversation.

Don’t badmouth your partner to your family or friends. They will, of course, side with you. It will then come back to haunt you if you remain together because your friends and family will be angry with your partner or critical of you for staying together with him or her. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek support from your friends or family, just be careful about how you talk about the situation.

Checking-up on your partner is okay. Since you have been lied to, you need to ‘discover’ that he or she is now telling the truth.

Ask questions. It is important that you know what happened so if you decide to ‘forgive,’ you know what it is that you are forgiving. Also, you don’t want any new information surfacing years later… get it all out now!

Set specific times to work on the affair. You should not expect your partner to deal with this, even though they caused this crisis, non-stop (they may feel overwhelmed and become angry, ruining any progress you have made). Set aside some time to work on the ‘infidelity’ unless it is extremely urgent. When things come up, wait until the next scheduled time to work on new or additional issues.

It is okay to repeat yourself and ask the same question several times or in different ways. This is part of your processing what happened and checking-up on the truthfulness of what your partner is saying.

It is probably best if you get some help from a caring relationship specialist. Just as you would get proper medical attention if you were in a devastating automobile accident, so too when surviving infidelity, you need to get the proper help to heal fully and properly.

Make sure you eat and sleep. You will need all the energy you have to deal with the chaos in your life.

VIDEO: Recovering from Infidelity: What do you want your future to be?

Play Video about recovering from infidelity what do you want your future to be

VIDEO: Who Will Tell the Truth about what Lying Does to your Valued Relationships?

Play Video about Who Will Tell The Truth About What Lying Does To Your Valued Relationships

Many people think that lying is a reasonable part of communicating. Lying may be common, but it is not ‘reasonable’ since it leads to relationship breakdown and other tragedies.

Many families have been ripped apart because of lies. Don’t let this happen to you and your family!

In spite of what I have just said, there are two exceptions when a person should lie.

VIDEO: “How do I forgive a cheating husband or a cheating wife?”

Play Video about how do i forgive a cheating husband or cheating wife

Forgiving a cheating husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend is no easy task, but is necessary if you are to recover fully from infidelity.

Surviving infidelity requires effort, determination, and often the help of a qualified relationship specialist. The trauma of cheating doesn’t “just go away” on its own.

There are many complexities and circumstances surrounding each couple’s struggle to recover from infidelity. Therefore, it is very difficult to have a generic solution for everyone. Nonetheless, there are guidelines that can form goalposts to work towards as part of your recovery process.

After the affair is over, there are many questions to answer and points to consider.

Likely you ask yourself, “Will my family survive?”

More than that, you were wondering, “Do I even want my marriage or committed relationship to survive with my cheating partner?”

Your future is unknown, and you ask, “What will happen to me and the lives of my loved ones?”

You want to know, “If there’s hope for a good future regardless of whether you reconcile or separate?”

You want to know, “If we reconcile, can there ever be trust again, will we feel close as we once did?”

Surviving infidelity is complex; each step of the way is a battle.

If you are the betrayed partner, I know that you have been terribly hurt. You trusted your partner with all that you have and he or she has done more than just ‘drop the ball’; he or she has dropped you, and you are shattered.

You don’t have to be defeated by relationship infidelity. With your partner’s cooperation, you can recover. However, the real question is, do you want to recover and give your marriage or committed relationship a second chance?

Before deciding whether or not you want to recover, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you willing to give your partner a second chance? If you are not, your relationship with your partner will be forever bitter and prone to resentment and conflict.

2. Will you find a way at some point, and for some reason, to forgive? If not, recovering from infidelity will be impossible. If you don’t forgive, there will be no life in your marriage or committed relationship.

3. Since “lying” is a cheater’s tool and without it, relationship infidelity would be impossible, can you trust your cheating partner’s assertions that he or she will never cheat again? Can you believe your partner? Maybe this is just another lie!

You can put in checks and safeguards to reduce the likelihood that infidelity will never happen again. However, no strategies are foolproof, and there is no guarantee. Sad, but this is the truth!

Recovering from infidelity does not come with a warranty, and you must learn to live with some measured uncertainty. Can you do this? If not, there will never be trust, and your relationship will suffer because of this.

You must answer “yes” to these above three questions otherwise any attempt at reconciliation is doomed to fail.

If you answered no to any of these questions, head for a civil separation and divorce or get some individual therapy to help you clarify your feelings.

Points to consider as you are trying to decide whether you should seek reconciliation or separation:

1. Second marriages are less likely to workout than first ones. These are the hard facts.

2. Sometimes people leave a cheating spouse, remarry, and then their second partner then also cheats. For some betrayed individuals, successful reconciliation is a safer way to go than to remarry and start a new family.

3. Separation and divorce are a nightmare. Regardless of the reasons for the separation, the process tears everybody apart and certainly does not spare the innocent, “you the victim.” And if you have children, their well-being will be challenged as your family breaks apart and tries to find its footing.

After the affair is over, and your partner says he or she wants to reconcile and rebuild the relationship, there is a lot for you to think about and decide. Likely, this will be the most significant decision of your life.

Know, if you choose to reconcile, it will take lots of work surviving infidelity — and you should not fool yourself regarding this. However, with effort and determination, you can succeed.

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