The Emotional Abuse Test Explained
Emotional abuse is a form of psychological abuse and occurs when one individual dominates another. This type of abuse can take many forms such as insults, criticism, belittling, name-calling, threats, and physical violence (domestic violence requires its own type of solution).
The Emotional Abuse Test is a tool to help determine if you are in an abusive relationship. If you answer “yes” to any of the questions on the Emotional Abuse Test, there is a chance you are being emotionally abused by your husband or wife, or boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you are in a high-conflict relationship, it is important to know the common signs of abuse to determine if you are emotionally abused.
Please note: that verbal abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and financial abuse are all variations of emotional abuse. This professional emotional abuse quiz is based on the work of Brian Jory, Ph.D. in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
Emotional Abuse Test — 15 easy to answer questions
This Emotional Abuse Test is Completely FREE. No Email Required. Get Immediate Results for Your Emotional Abuse Test.
The Emotional Abuse Test is Private and Confidential.
FREE Bonus: Get The 12 PRINCIPLED POSITIONS To End The Abuse found at the end of this post. Print it out and use it as a guide to stop emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse.
Note: The results of this Emotional Abuse Test are not definitive, and for the most accurate results seek the counsel of a certified relationship specialist. The author of this site, Abe Kass, assumes no responsibility for any inaccuracies or unintended misinformation. The user of this Emotional Abuse Test and associated information does so at his or her own risk.
The Meaning of Your Emotional Abuse Test Results:
0 – 2 POINTS
Based on your emotional abuse quiz score, likely there is no emotional abuse in your relationship.
You have a healthy relationship. Your partner behaves respectfully and kindly towards you. You are fortunate!
Hopefully, you also treat your partner with kindness and respect.
Your relationship future looks good.
3 – 7 POINTS
Based on your emotional abuse quiz score, likely you are reasonably safe from emotional abuse, or if it is present, it is minor. However, if you and your partner are not careful, your relationship could slip into a situation where it becomes abusive.
Monitor relationship interactions that include bickering, anger, reduced romance/sex, or ignoring each other. Find out if you are in a toxic relationship and need to take preventative action to prevent abuse as explained in the section about cures for a toxic relationship.
Relationship problems that are not dealt with can become chronic, difficult to reverse, and eventually lead to a pattern of abuse.
8 – 12 POINTS
Based on your Emotional Abuse Test score, it is likely you are being emotionally abused.
You are advised to make positive changes in your relationship to establish safety and to prevent the abuse from getting worse.
It is important to know that your partner may not intend to hurt you. They may benefit from learning relationship skills so they know how to behave properly. For example, some individuals upon learning anger management skills go on to stop their abusive behavior.
Let your partner take this emotional abuse quiz to increase their awareness of what emotional abuse is and how to avoid it.
Assistance from a qualified professional relationship specialist can be of great assistance as well as self-help programs such as books, audio programs, or courses on abuse.
Consider buying my book on emotional abuse. The 15 Essential Facts Victims of Emotional Abuse Need to Know. It is easy to read, inexpensive, and available as an immediate download or as a paperback from Amazon. See below to learn more about The 15 Essential Facts Victims of Emotional Abuse Need to Know.
13 and MORE POINTS
Based on your Emotional Abuse Test score, it seems like there are dangerous levels of emotional abuse in your relationship.
Your test results suggest that you find a professional who is experienced and knowledgeable on abuse to help you fully assess the levels of the abuse in your relationship. You need to be certain you and other family members are safe from physical violence. After you know you are safe, you can then consider your options to free yourself from your emotionally abusive situation.
Your emotional abuser MUST change for the better if you are to have a loving, respectful, and friendship-based relationship and healthy self-esteem. However, if your abuser will not change, you need to evaluate whether you should continue to live with him or her.
The longer you remain in an abusive relationship, the greater the risk of serious injury and long-term harm. To protect yourself, and if you have children to protect them as well, you need to develop with the help of others, a realistic plan to free yourself from abuse.
Knowledge is power. Learn more about abuse. Buy my book on emotional and other types of abuse, The 15 Essential Facts Victims of Emotional Abuse Need to Know. It is inexpensive and available as an immediate download or as a paperback from Amazon. See below to learn more about The 15 Essential Facts Victims of Emotional Abuse Need to Know.
* This Emotional Abuse Test is adapted and modified by Abe Kass from THE INTIMATE JUSTICE SCALE: AN INSTRUMENT TO SCREEN FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IN CLINICAL PRACTICE By Brian Jory, Ph.D. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, January 2004, Volume 30, Number 1, 29 – 44. You can read this article at Wiley Online Library, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
Learn More About Emotional Abuse
The more you know about emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, or financial abuse, the greater will be your protection from this relationship disease.
Emotional Abuse Warning Signs
Does the following describe your relationship?
- Does your partner insist he or she is always right and you are always wrong?
- Do you have the feeling that your partner wants you to admit that he or she is superior to you?
- Do you tiptoe around your partner for fear of triggering an angry outburst?
- Is your partner often grumpy, irritable, or disagreeable?
- Does your partner withhold affection?
- Does your partner threaten to commit suicide if you leave him or her?
- Does your partner break items or hide your things?
- Does your partner threaten to take the children from you?
- Does your partner threaten you?
- Is your partner selfish and uncooperative?
- Does your partner insist you have sex even when you don’t want to?
- Is your partner easily angered and slow to calm down?
- Does your partner threaten or bully you when he or she doesn’t get his or her way?
- Do you always feel unloved or misunderstood by your partner?
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it is likely you are emotionally abused. You need to learn more to find out the truth — are you in an abusive relationship or not? If you have not yet taken the Emotional Abuse Test, do it now to find out if you are being abused and how bad it may be.
Profile of an abuser
Does your abuser think he or she is:
- Smarter than you (more educated, more religious, etc.)
- Stronger than you (emotionally or physically)
- More privileged than you (has more money, comes from a better family, has a better job, etc.)
- More aggressive than you and thus has the right to control you (“might-makes-right”)
- If your abuser is a man, he may believe he has gender-based rights mistakenly thinking society or religion gives him the right to control you
An abuser uses these false arguments and gaslighting to justify his or her actions to hurt and control you. Don’t be fooled by these tactics. Everybody has a human right to be treated with respect, dignity, and equality. No one deserves to be abused!
Long Term Effects of Living with an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Emotionally abusive relationships are painful in every way. Abused individuals suffer from debilitating anxiety, depression, and loss of self-esteem.
When emotional abuse goes unchallenged, there remains the very real possibility of domestic violence leading to physical injury and a trip to the hospital or an arrest by the police or both!
If children are witnesses to an emotionally abusive relationship, their trust in their parents will be eroded and instead of learning healthy relationship skills, they are learning the opposite. Being in the presence of an emotionally abusive relationship is harmful in many ways.
The longer the emotionally abusive situation continues, the more difficult it will be for you to heal once the abuse has stopped. Accepting an emotionally abusive relationship is harmful to everyone in your household!
Don’t Accept Abuse
Understand that respect and kindness are a ‘human right’ — not something that needs to be earned. You are not to blame for any abuse in your relationship. The fault for the abusive relationship lies with your abuser — and it is he or she who must learn how to be reasonable, kind, and respectful. If someone is treating you abusively, you need to take decisive action to end the abuse.
Not every selfish, unloving, or angry partner is an abuser
Some partners, although very unpleasant to be around, simply lack the skills to control their anger and behave with consistent kindness, sensitivity, and friendship, but they are not abusers. Emotional abusers are not only selfish, unloving, and angry, they ALSO seek to control their partners. Abusers want to dominate, make all the decisions, and direct every aspect of their partner’s life.
If your partner is not trying to control you, his or her bad behavior is likely based on relationship ignorance and not abuse. Knowing the truth about your relationship — if it is abusive or not — is necessary so you can take practical steps to improve your relationship, protect yourself, and protect other family members.
A non-abusive, unpleasant partner can be helped by learning relationship skills. Such a partner has no interest in controlling you. He or she selfishly wants to get his or her way. And yes, this is ‘wrong’ — but it is NOT abuse! There are many types of relationship conflicts that look like an emotionally abusive situation, but are not. Learn as much as you can about abuse so you can make an accurate assessment of what you need to do to fix your relationship.
Take my Take the Free Healthy Relationship Quiz to learn more about the quality of your relationship.
You think you are in an abusive relationship! What next?
You took the Emotional Abuse Test and the results indicate high levels of emotional abuse. If you are in an emotionally abusive situation, you need to find an effective way to stop this abuse!
Learn as much as you can about the warning signs of abuse and the damage abuse causes. After you have become knowledgeable as to what abuse is, the next step is to take a strong stand to reject abuse and protect yourself. Read carefully the following 12 decisions YOU need to make to stop being abused.
The 12 PRINCIPLED POSITIONS To End The Abuse
1. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to humiliate, shame, degrade, curse, or threaten you.
2. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to intimidate, control or force you to do something you don’t want to do.
3. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to dismiss your feelings, ideas, or values.
4. Systematically ignoring you is emotional abuse. Do not accept such treatment from your partner.
5. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not surrender your independence and autonomy by submitting to your partner’s will.
6. Make a decision for yourself not to accept extreme selfishness from your partner to the point where it is dismissive of your needs and wants.
7. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to isolate you from family or friends.
8. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to withhold money or confiscate your personal belongings such as car keys, phone, or other personal property.
9. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to touch you in a hostile way or threaten to do so by making his hand into a fist, or getting very close to your face with his face, or any other menacing and threatening way.
10. Make a decision for yourself and take a firm stand that you will not allow your partner to behave in an extremely jealous and possessive way that impacts your peace of mind, challenges your dignity, and restricts your freedom.
11. Make a decision to get outside help to stop the abuse. DON’T REMAIN SILENT. Don’t cooperate and allow the abuse to continue!
12. Recognize that you do not need to live as an abused person. If you want, you can leave your abusive partner.
Taking the Emotional Abuse Test is NOT Enough!
After taking the Emotional Abuse Test, if you learn you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to know how to stop the abuse and protect yourself and other family members. Abusive relationships will not fix themselves! However, emotionally abusive relationships can often be fixed, but only when you take appropriate action.
Know your abuser CAN change for the better IF he or she wants to. No one forces him or her to be emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, psychologically abusive, sexually abusive, or financially abusive! However, you must start the process to stop the abuse.
Note: Physical abuse or domestic violence is more dangerous than emotional abuse. Sadly, many individuals have been injured or even murdered by their partners. Physical violence or domestic violence requires special remedies and is NOT measured in this emotional abuse quiz.
Learn more about what to do if there is physical violence or domestic violence in your relationship.
Get more information on domestic violence: National Network to End Domestic Violence.
Next Step to Stop the Abuse
For 30-plus years as a professional couples therapist, I have been working to help individuals change their abusive relationships into ones of respect and love. Now you can have my professional guidance to help you free yourself from abuse! For only a few dollars, you can get my book, The 15 Essential Facts Victims of Emotional Abuse Need to Know. Knowledge is POWER! Protect yourself, and free yourself from living with emotional abuse by learning more.
15 Essential Facts Victims of Emotional Abuse Need to Know
In this authoritative guide, you will learn:
- The many ways that emotional abuse destroys relationships
- The different types of emotional abuse that victims suffer from
- The difference between normal marital conflict and an emotional abuse marriage or an emotionally abusive relationship
- The role of anger in emotional abuse
- Gender differences in how abuse is expressed
- The five dynamics that characterize emotional abuse
- Why, if you are the victim of emotional abuse, it is not your fault
- The answer to the important question: Can emotional abusers change?
- What to do if there is physical abuse or domestic violence in your marriage or committed relationship
- How to prevent emotional abuse in the future
- and much more
Act Now to Stop the Emotional Abuse
No one should agree to live in an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to reclaim your human right to be treated with dignity, respect, and equality.
Get more help from qualified professionals:
Is it mental abuse if you tell them something secret and they say they “can’t keep this anymore” even if it’s very little? Like they’re trying to get you into trouble until you’re at a point where you’re literally begging them not to tell because it’s an important secret?
Hi Blake, thank you for your question. If the person who promises to keep the information a secret is now trying to punish you or force you to do something this could be an example of abuse. Like you said the secret is, “very little.” If the secret would actually be harming someone there is an entirely different consideration regarding what to do about it. However, as you have explained, this is not your case. I hope these few words help, Abe
Not a romantic relationship, but my grandma tried to gaslight me into hating my own father. She also hit my butt when I was bending down to get something from a cabinet. I asked her why, and she said because I can. I’m still anxious and feel like I can’t trust anyone even 2 years after these things happened. What should I do? I’m already taking anxiety meds, which are helping a little.
I am sorry this happened to you. Not knowing your age makes it very difficult for me to give you an answer. What I would suggest is you speak to another adult who you can trust and describe your situation and the surrounding details and hopefully, they can give you some good advice as to what to do to protect yourself. Take care.
Hi, I have a daughter and I am almost 32 weeks pregnant. Today my fiance of 6 years had almost 2 bottles of wine and a conversation turned into an argument. He was talking about how he was abused as a child by his own family and how he feels anger everyday about it. He was acting distant for a couple of months and I asked why before and he wouldn’t tell. Today he told me he thinks I slept with someone else when I went to visit my family out of the country and he thinks the baby is not his. I was with my family everyday!. He is been upset for the past a couple of years because I erased some sex videos he had with exes. I was told by him that if I bumped into them to delete them because he didn’t have them anymore. So he lied and so I did when I saw them, and now he says he didn’t think I would do it that he just said that to make me feel better. How can you expect me to have sex with you after you told me all those hurtful things?, I asked and he said I don’t know what you are talking about. I didn’t say anything to you. He has done this to me before. He puts me down, makes comments about my body, follows me to keep the argument instead of giving me my space specially because I am pregnant and is not good for the baby, doesn’t take blame for anything, I feel like I am losing my mind specially when he tells me I am lying that he never said anything a d he says I have issues and I need a psychologist. He wants me to move states when I have a good job and if we have a house is because I bought it. I don’t really have friends anymore. He always find something wrong with my friends and family. He tells our daughter that words have a bigger effect in people than punches. I feel drained, my self-esteem is down, I feel sad, upset, disappointed, scared. I don’t know how to get out of this situation [Edited prior to approval]
Hi Broken heart, You have listed many different problems and situations that are troubling you. These are far to many issues with far too little information for me to comment on. I suggest you spend some time with a person you trust to help you sort all of this out. Take care, Abe