Understanding your partner necessitates knowing what are his or her emotional needs. As well, if you know and inform your partner of your emotional needs, your partner will better understand you.
When you understand what your partner’s emotional needs are, and he or she yours, then it is possible to find positive ways to fulfill them. On the other hand, if there is a need, but it has not been identified or shared, it may then express itself in a negative way (with anger, rejection, moodiness, etc.).
There Are 3 Ways Emotional Needs Are Expressed or Not Expressed:
1. Assertive communication — emotional needs are known and expressed. For example, a husband proposes a date with his wife so they can spend time together. They get a babysitter and spend an enjoyable evening together. He knows he wants more attention, and he gets it.
2. Passive communication — needs are known but not expressed. For example, a wife feels frustrated because she is unable to arrange to spend quality time with her husband. She knows she wants more attention, but has no way to acquire it.
3. Emotional needs are concealed within the subconscious mind— emotional needs are not known and not expressed. For example, a husband becomes jealous when he sees his wife giving attention to one of their children. He feels neglected but is unaware of his need for more attention and therefore he cannot express what he wants and then possibly get it — he only reacts negatively.
Complete the Following Exercise
You may want to use a sheet of paper or print this page for ease of use.
1. Identify needs. Separately, each partner underlines his or her primary emotional needs from the list below. Skip the ones that are not important to you.
As mentioned above, you may not be fully aware of your emotional needs. However, when you take the time to reflect, it is possible to more fully identify your needs.
2. List ways to fulfill these needs. Next to each underlined ’emotional need,’ list 3 or 4 ways they can be met with your partner’s help.
3. Inform your partner of your emotional needs. Share the list with your partner. Take turns discussing each of the listed items that identify your emotional needs (the ones you underlined) and your suggestions for ways to fulfill them. Your partner may ask questions to make sure he or she understands your needs and how he or she can help you meet them.
When your partner shares his or her list with you, ask questions until you understand fully what his or her emotional needs are and how you can help him or her get them met.