Marriage Counseling Self-help

Surviving Infidelity Tips: Do Not Confront the Outside Lover by a Top Professional Who Knows What He is Talking About

abe kass

Abe has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families for twenty-five-plus years. When it comes to relationship expertise — Abe is the real deal and can be trusted!

abe kassProfessional Therapist Abe Kass MA RSW RMFT

Abe has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families for twenty-five-plus years. When it comes to relationship expertise — Abe is the real deal and can be trusted!

When seeking ways on how to stop an affair, is it a good idea to confront the outside lover? Find out!

In my professional work with couples surviving infidelity, I am often asked by the primary victim — the partner who was cheated on — about ‘confronting’ the outside lover. They are looking for advice on how to stop an affair and wonder if being aggressive with the outside intruder is a good idea or not.

The victim of infidelity believes — and correctly so — that the outside lover’s involvement with their partner threatens the survival of their family or committed relationship. They want to plead, curse, threaten or hurt this enemy so he or she will stay away.

The sentiment to attack the ‘enemy’ who has interfered with the normal functioning and wellbeing of their family is often strengthened by other family members demanding ‘strong actions and quick results.’ Often they offer their advice on how to stop an affair.

A parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. Motivated by feelings of despair, this seems to be a very reasonable plan on how to deal with the infidelity disease that is tearing the family apart.

Logically, the above feelings and ideas on how to deal with infidelity make sense. If what you love is under attack, you naturally want to defend, and the best defense is often an aggressive offence.


Here is the problem. This outside lover, regardless of who he or she is, has NO legitimacy or right to talk to any member of the family. This outside person has no entitlement to sit at the boardroom table with the executive committee and decide what to do! Rather, the outside lover should be excluded from discussions and belongs in the wastebasket of history.

Infidelity occurred when the offender took definite actions to begin the affair. The cheating husband or cheating wife actively participated in the making of this entire crisis; he or she solicited and exchanged phone numbers, met secretly, lied, fell in love, made love, etc. etc. etc.

Thus, safety can only be established when the offender himself or herself chooses to end the relationship. Stopping the affair is NOT dependent on the paramour — it is dependent on your cheating partner.

When you — the victim — communicate with the outside lover, you are unintentionally making the statement that your cheating husband or wife can’t stop the problem that he or she started. If you were to do this, you will never feel safe or be safe from further victimization since you have established the belief that your partner cannot control these types of situations.

How to stop an affair

Conclusion, don’t contact the outside lover — don’t give him or her a place in your family. Whatever hold he or she has on your husband or wife, it is solely dependent on your partner allowing this to happen. If your partner ‘ends the relationship,’ the paramour is gone!

The only exception to the above might be when your partner has not told this outside lover that he or she is married. Should this be the case, sending an email or asking a third party to inform the outside lover about the facts may be enough to get him or her to run away when he or she knows the truth. This is a bit of a contradiction to the above, but in this circumstance and it may work so it may be worth the deviation.

You are fighting for your family — regardless of your position in this complicated situation — and you have to know that the solution requires the offending partner to end the relationship himself or herself with the outside lover. Then the partner who cheated must take concrete steps to fix all the relationship damage that he or she has caused.

Surviving infidelity is not easy — but it is necessary for the well-being of each family member. Don’t give up!

Coping with infidelity is extremely challenging and usually requires that you get professional guidance from a caring relationship specialist. Below are sources where you can find qualified therapists.

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists

The Canadian Association of Marriage and Family Therapists

Get the tools you need to survive infidelity:

Share This and Help Others!


Related Content

Leave a Reply

Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Michelle Hays
Michelle Hays
1 year ago

I should find a place in my heart to forgive him, I was truly astonished and shocked when my lover knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back. I am really short of expressions, and I don’t know how much to convey my appreciation to you Ultimate Spell. You are a God sent to restore a broken relationship, And now i am a joyful woman.

10 months ago

  Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me of and wants divorce. she filled for divorce after 22 years of marriage.

5 months ago

I disagree. Confronting my wife’s AP was empowering and it stopped him in his tracks. He was not aware I knew and my wife intentionally wasn’t going to tell him, however, I felt he had the right to know as I knew he was wavering from the text messages. He was also married and didn’t want to sacrifice his life, marriage, career (he was her supervisor) and family. That being said, it didn’t have the intended effect on my wife, she was clearly displeased I confronted him and continued to attempt to see him outside work even though his involvement and contact scaled back dramatically, her limerence held tight. Now a year out, she’s finally in therapy for herself after I had a second meeting with him this summer relating to him that him being available was not letting her move on and what my boundaries were with him being in her life. I required that I knew him and his wife and we would be couple friends, which is an impossible offer. He found a new job (which he applied for prior to us meeting second time) and ghosted her, which tells me that was likely his plan all along. It took that to wake her up and reach rock bottom. How would it have gone had I not intervened? I can’t say, but he was thankful for my discretion. Was it the right move? I stand by that it was.

Reply to  Abe Kass
5 months ago

Thank you Abe. You’re right, I did take a risk, but to be frank, a possible violent response was anticipated and I was prepared for it. He was a former School Teacher turned Principal, I am a combat Veteran. I was prepare for mutually assured destruction. I felt the risk was low as he knew this about me, not that I had any intentions of doing anything of the sort as that solves nothing. You’re right, had she ended it on her own, it would have been better for her with respect to self realization, but I also couldn’t stand the disrespect and felt I had to intervene for my family. But at the end of the day, I still don’t trust her and don’t know if I ever truly will. Recently I found out they were in contact again, which I haven’t told her I know. He did the right thing and told her he wants no more communication, she still has hope of a friendship and leaving it to him to make that call. Ultimately, I feel at the end of the day, we are likely done, but I also feel that would have been the end game regardless of my interjection. And honestly, confronting him helped my own healing and gaining my self respect back for myself. I appreciate your honest and thoughtful response.