Privacy is not the same as secrecy.
A measured amount of privacy is needed for personal health. How much privacy is needed varies from person to person.
Emotional and relationship health requires both times together and time alone. Healthy marriages blend seamlessly and harmoniously private time and group time.
Secrecy, on the other hand, is used for personal gain at the expense of other family members. The deceiver hides or lies about information that his or her partner should know about. Secrecy has a high price tag since it significantly alters for the worse the lives of ALL family members.
Secrecy builds walls between two partners.
How can you know if withholding information is secrecy or privacy? Simple, ask yourself the following question:
If my partner would discover what it is I am concealing, would he or she feel betrayed and devastated or would he or she not care?
If the answer is that your partner would feel ‘betrayed and devastated,’ it is secrecy. If their response would be ‘indifference or mildly uncomfortable’ it is privacy.
However, the lines between secrecy and privacy are not always so clear as you will see in the examples discussed below.
For example:
Secrecy would include being a cheating spouse, being an alcoholic, or gambling to excess, etc. In these examples, when the once secretive activity is discovered, it then creates feelings of betrayal, disappointment, loss of security and a loss of trust.
Privacy would include closing the bathroom door to avoid embarrassment, withholding sexual fantasies that might hurt the feelings of one’s partner were he or she to know what they were, or withholding an unnecessary opinion to avoid conflict. In these examples, privacy uncovered would create at most only mild irritation and hurt from one’s husband or wife. Often, when privacy is revealed, there is no reaction at all. For example, an accidental opening of the bathroom door, when the room is occupied, would likely lead to a ‘sorry’ and a giggle.
